5-in-1 foundation, winter whites, yet another statement coat
I know it’s sort of silly to believe we’ll wake up on just another ordinary day and suddenly Everything Will Be Different — linear time is a human construct, wherever you go there you are, etc etc — but I still love the idea of a new year.
For one thing, I think I’m getting cornier the older I get. Just mushier, more sentimental. I’ve become (after a long time trying in vain to resist) somewhat of an Astrology Gay. I think I’d even go so far as to consider myself a newly spiritual person. I don’t know if it’s because I’m in love with someone twice my age, or because, impossibly, my baby brother is now a great big 18-year-old man, or because, after 5 years in New York, I feel more rooted in community here than I ever have before, but I keep finding myself overwhelmed with sudden bursts of equal parts joy and sorrow. Life is so precious! I think, tearing up while watching a toddler greeting a puppy on the sidewalk.
Plus — I was born on January 6th, which means that the new year for me really IS a new year. I lived to see another decade! And so did all of you. It means nothing, of course, but it also means everything.
The holidays are usually a tough time for me, since I’m estranged from my mom, and she’s very good at leaking poison into every corner of my big and complicated family even when she’s not physically present to do the poisoning. When I go “home,” I go to my aunt and uncle’s house, which is five minutes away from the house where I grew up, and where my mother still lives. That’s been the case for 10-plus years now, and even though I am so warmly welcomed and wanted at my aunt’s, it’s never failed to depress the hell out of me that on those trips, I get so physically close to someone I’ve been trying my whole adult life to outrun.
This year, though, felt different. Most significantly, Lynette was there with me. I’ve dated people in the past who haven’t been jazzed to spend too much time with my family, but Lynette went all-in, which made me feel so supported and loved. I was also able to fly my dad and brother up from Florida to spend some time with all of us, and managed to get me and my four siblings together (in various configurations) for the first time in many years. So I began this new year full of pride, and full of hope.
One thing I knew I wanted to do in 2020 was become more ~intentional~ about my spending. I cut myself a looot of slack last year. I’d poured a good amount of money into furnishing a new apartment with my ex, and ultimately I lost a lot of the stuff I’d lovingly chosen when, after our breakup, I had to move out. I was sad and angry about all I’d invested (financially and otherwise) into a relationship that hadn’t ended up giving me enough in return. So, in the spirit of starting over — and putting myself first — I started buying even more shit than usual on the internet.
Some of it was for practical reasons. I’d gained weight, so I had to replace some clothes that no longer fit me. The weight gain was partly “good” (broader shoulders, thanks to lifting) and partly “bad” (I never used to have to worry about my stomach, but your late twenties are full of new surprises). I try to practice feeling neutral-to-good about my body, and it works pretty well most of the time, but I’m not going to pretend it doesn’t sometimes rattle me, as an anorexic in recovery, to weigh more now than I ever have before. But I’m planning to keep Carmen Maria Machado’s New Year’s hopes for us all in mind: “May you be fatter, hotter, meaner, happier.” Amen.
As usual, I’m trying to find the line between being kind to myself — I should be allowed to buy some things that actually fit me, and that make me feel good — and going totally overboard on needless purchases that can’t really fill the void of existential despair that lives inside us all. I grew up with a parent who lived paycheck to paycheck, and when you live in a state of financial precarity, it can be extremely difficult to adopt a mindset of long-term saving whenever you have money immediately at your disposal. It’s something I’ve spent my whole adulthood trying to unlearn. My progress hasn’t been linear, which I’ve struggled to forgive myself for. I’ve had entire years where I’ve saved half my paycheck, others where I’ve saved a third. This past year, I definitely spent way more than I’ve saved, and I’d like to get myself back on track.
Another good/bad thing about 2019 is that this was the year I started getting really into skincare and makeup; previously, I’d been able to sort of justify my clothing/shoes expenses because at least I never dropped hundreds at Sephora. No longer, lol!!!
I’ve previously gone through periods where I’ve banned myself from buying any new clothes, but I’ve always caved. Last year I tried to ban myself from shopping entirely and rented my clothes instead, which I do still plan on doing from time to time (my account is currently paused), but the thing about rentals is that the clothes don’t really feel like yours, because, well, they aren’t.
I think one of the weird side affects of being a person who writes personal essays for a living is that I sometimes convince myself I can simply commit to some new lifestyle — sobriety, no new clothes, less takeout — and that writing about This New Me will simply make it so. But I’m fallibly human, like everyone else; I commit to ambitious new projects or resolutions, attempt to make these things a part of my identity, and then I get bored or tired or anxious and abandon them — and, especially since I’ve announced them publicly to tens of thousands of readers, I feel like a horrible hypocrite for reneging on the promises I’ve made to myself and to others.
With this newsletter, I’m still trying to hold myself accountable, but (hopefully) without setting myself up for failure. The only hard rule: No more fast fashion. I’ve definitely cut down, but the big holiday sales recently sucked me in again, and now I’m ready to finally quit in earnest. I’d also like to try buying nearly all vintage/secondhand, though new ethically and sustainably made stuff is sometimes ok, too.
I was inspired to start this project by my friend Katie’s excellent newsletter, Do Not Buy. I’m planning to disclose every physical product/item I purchase — clothes, skincare, books — with their prices and my total spend number. I’ve thought about keeping a money diary in the past, and/or setting up a specific budget, but for whatever reason I’ve always found either idea completely repellent. (Which is probably why I spend too much money!!!) I think/hope, though, that disclosing how much I’m spending in a public forum will encourage me to spend less on dumb shit and more on things I actually value and will use & love for years to come. And perhaps it will encourage you to do so, too.
Ok, let’s get started. This round I’m going to include everything I’ve purchased in the last few weeks or so, and in the future, I’ll include everything I bought since publishing the previous newsletter.
What I Bought
Clothes/Shoes/Accessories
I succumbed to a big COS sale over the holidays. (I’ll miss you, COS!!!!)
cotton-alpaca sweater in midnight blue, so gorgeous and so soft: $35 on final sale
mixed-fabric shirt in steel blue, a color I can’t get enough of: $45
smooth printed dress in yellow, which I wore for my birthday, $68
asymmetric cotton top in white, $27 on final sale
long cotton mac in beige, which I justified because I didn’t have a non-jean-jacket light coat, $125
leather triangle earrings (which I didn’t realize were clip ons? lol), $23
When Lynette was here she wanted to do some vintage shopping, so I took her to Dobbins St. Vintage, where I inevitably just got things for myself I didn’t need but absolutely love, which tends to be how it goes for me at Dobbins.
One of the reasons I started renting was for statement coats — how can you really justify the price/storage space for lots of statement coats? But I walked into Dobbins, blacked out, and bought a vintage magenta overcoat for $60. It was a crazy/indulgent purchase, but especially for the price it’s so, sooooo good. I made Lynette take this photo of me in it.
Also at Dobbins, I spent $30 on baby’s first beret. It’s millennial green!!!
If I go this whole year without buying anything else at motherfucking Madewell, I will be pathetically proud of myself. Unfortunately I know exactly how most of the pants will fit me and trying on pants from anywhere else is hell, so during the 40% off sale I ordered some I’d been eyeing. I’m late to winter whites, mostly because I am a slob, and because for a long time I let myself believe white is “not flattering” on curves. But in 2020 we’re living dangerously, baby!!!
texture and thread velour corduroy pants in off-white, $38. These are a backup pair; I got some last year and I’m obsessed with how clean and modern they look even though you’re literally just wearing extremely comfortable sweatpants.
pleated shorts in Hawaiian hideaway, $20.99. I have these in regular denim and love them, and I never love shorts. I thought these would fit the same way but surprise they don’t!! Now I have to pack up a box or go to Madewell to return a single stupid pair of shorts I did not need. This is one of the reasons why I’m quitting fast fashion.
tall cali demi-boot jeans in pure white, $41.99. Madewell’s talls have changed my life.
I took a little time off of instagram at the end of the year, and now that I’m back on it means I’m gonna have to suffer through being inundated with the most expertly tailored ads I’ve ever experienced. I’ve already clicked through to some Spanish brand called Alohas, where I purchased west black vintage boots for $154.
Did I already buy black Blundstones and some cheap heeled black boots from Urban last year? Yes. Did I really need these? I really, really didn’t! My justification: I love a square toe, I love a wood accent, and I loooove this particular leg-lengthening height, since it hits above the ankle. I also wish I just hadn’t bothered with the cheap Urban guys and instead invested in a pair I didn’t merely like, but loooooved, and that’s how I feel about these. We’ll see once they actually arrive if they’re as good as I think they are.
Clothes total: $862.97
Woof!!!!!! I knew it had to be somewhere this high, but I’m extremely good at seeing disparate $100- or $200- something purchases as reasonable without really thinking about them all stacked up together. I could blame this on holiday sales, but I’m sure I could find any reason at all to spend a lot of money, and I want to seriously cut this number down in my future dispatches.
Skincare/Makeup
I read a post on the Cut singing the praises of best skin days, from the new brand Iris & Romeo. I don’t wear foundation; years of various masc partners congratulating me for “not needing it” led me to develop a ridiculous sort of pride in my low-maintenance. Even as I’ve accumulated a ton of skincare and makeup stuff over the past year, I still stopped short at foundation, worrying that it would really mean the point of no return.
I’m easily duped by the Glossier-esque promise of “no makeup” makeup, even though I though that’s… not really a real thing. Best Skin Days appealed to me in that sense; it also appealed to my lesbiany love of multi-functionality, since it’s allegedly 5-in-1 skincare: serum, moisturizer, sheer coverage, sunscreen, and blue light/pollution protector. Plus, it’s all natural/clean. Sounds too good to be true? Probably! Stupid-expensive at $64, I bought it anyway.
Once it arrived I thought even the sheer level of coverage might be too makeup-makeupy for me, but if I mix in a bit of face hero in I actually like this stuff a lot. I layer it on top of Dr. Jart’s color-correcting treatment, for my perpetual redness, which I also mix in with a little face hero. (Face hero is the best.)
I’ll see how long this lasts me — the jar offers quite a generous amount of product, and I only use a little at a time — and I might repurchase. What I will NOT be repurchasing is Iris & Romeo’s power peptide lip balms, at $26 each. The colors wore off on me right away, and didn’t look that good to begin with. I bought two of them, another horrible shopping habit of mine; why don’t you try one first to see if you like it, Shannon?????
I also placed an Ulta order, a part of my completely paradoxical journey to use/need less skincare stuff buy buying more skincare stuff:
Garnier micellar water, $11.99. After twitter went berserk over the news that Elizabeth Warren doesn’t wash her face and only uses Ponds cold cream, I saw a lot of women from #skincaretwitter endorse her move of foregoing cleanser. I’ve tried a few different cleansers, none of which I’ve loved, so I’ve decided to give just micellar water a spin.
Cosrx snail mucin power essence, $21. Though I should probably just go to a derm already, I recently self-diagnosed myself with dehydrated skin — which is different from dry skin! — and it’s been somewhat revelatory. I’ve never used an essence but have heard good things about this one?
Cosrx hyaluronic acid intensive cream, $22. I’ve taken a turn toward more budget-friendly brands after having disappointing experiences with $$$ ones like Sunday Riley and Skinceuticals, so we’ll see how this goes.
Makeup total: $170.99
Books
Though I can and should use the library more often, I like buying books to support writers and support the industry, and I hope the karma will come back around when I publish my own books (lol). That said, I definitely have… too many books. Even though I gift them or donate them (my stoop freebies go fast!), there’s way too many on my shelf right now that I haven’t read, so I really need to cool it until I’ve gone through more of my pile.
That said, I recently bought a bunch of books.
Far From The Tree: Parents, Children, and the Search for Identity, by Andrew Solomon. Been meaning to read this one for awhile; I just started and love it so far. $14.39
Prozac Nation, by Elizabeth Wurtzel, since I’ve never read it, and I’ve loved all the various remembrances of her work published after she passed away last week. $9.99
The Revisioners, by Margaret Wilkerson Sexton. I think we have an advanced copy of this in the BuzzFeed office somewhere but I got tired of looking for it. $16.59
The Topeka School, by Ben Lerner. It was on a bunch of best-of lists and I’ve heard from friends who hated it and from others who loved it. What I want to read right now is something like The Corrections, tbh, and I got the impression this might fit the bill. TBD? $16.29
The World According to Fannie Davis: My Mother’s Life in the Detroit Numbers, by Bridgett M. Davis, a rec from my friend and colleague Tomi, book editor extraordinaire. $12.59
Book total: $69.85 (nice)
GRAND TOTAL: $1,103.81
🥴🥴🥴🥴🥴🥴🥴🥴🥴🥴🥴
Whew. I’m not spending outside of my means, but I’ve spent more on stuff this past month than I have on rent, which is yikes. And I’m saving, but could definitely be saving more, as well as putting aside more than I already do for charitable giving.
Next time, this letter shouldn’t be nearly so long — I had to do a lot of introductory stuff this round — but I’ll have a new section with updates/reviews when applicable for things that haven’t arrived to my doorstep yet.
Speaking of — I’m going to try to cut down on my online shopping in general, and if I really need something, seek it out in a store. Will I really be able to stick to that? Time will tell!!
That’s all for now, folks.
Love,
Shannon